Tag Archives: boogers

Inappropriate English

Just yesterday, Edward and I had one of ‘those’ conversations. One that, I think, he was pretty sure was a HUGE lecture. Probably one that lots and lots of wives have had with their husbands. Or not. I mean, I am married to Edward and he is a huge pain in my ass.

But they all are, aren’t they?

Anyways, I came back from the March for Babies in downtown Orlando to a happy home. Vince was full of appetite and life. Edward was cheerful and non-sleep-deprived. The dog was walked. Everyone was terribly happy.

“Vincent, would you like another cup of booger poo-poo milk?” asked Edward, oh so politely.

“NOOOO! I no like booger poo-poo milk”, Vince responded in a manner that indicated that he had been asked this question before.

And why would I even be a little surprised by this. Edward teaches him all sorts of ridiculous things, things which usually result in ‘looks’ from me. ‘Looks’ that I am pretty sure that Edward has learned to ignore.

Because he still teaches him ridiculous things.

So back to yesterday….

“Please, please. Can you teach him English?? Please?”, I asked, while most likely making a face, which means I was trying to not make a face. Which is another face entirely.

Response?

“I will teach him anything I want to!”, he proclaimed proud and firmly, “It’s my fatherly right.”

I rolled my eyes. Men. Whatever. This was just a pointless argument waiting to start. This was something I was going to leave alone for the time being.

Or, at least I thought I was going to…

Later that day, Vince and I hit up the grocery store. We were running low on Vincent snacks among other things. Needed some fruit, stuff for dinner, some milk.

We hit up the dairy section and I reached into the case to grab a couple of litres of milk.

“Mummy! Mummy Mummy Mummy! I no like booger poo-poo milk!”, Vince sing-songed while I was reaching.

“Booger Poo-poo! BOOGER! Poo! POO!!” he proclaimed, “BOOGER POO POO BOOGER BOOGER POO! POO! BOOGER! POO POO POO POO!”

And as we rolled through the aisles, he continued to shout this out at varying levels of loudness.

Finally I called Edward. “Thanks honey. Thanks”.

“What?!?!” he replied bewilderingly. But he knew. Oh, he knew. And then I made him listen. Listen as his son sang the most ridiculous song about boogers and poopoo at the top of his lungs while I pushed him around the grocery store.

That Bastard.

That Bastard who then apologized to me profusely. And then promised to be more conscientious of what he talked about with Vince. You honestly would think an English teacher would have better sense. Right?

Clearly I have married a crazy person.

xoxo a.m.

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Filed under amusing, annoying, awkward, bastards, boogers, boys, parenting, Toddlers, uncomfortable

Boys are gross

They really are. Really.

This last week, while we have rumbled with bedtime routines and rituals, V has totally discovered that awesome orifice that is the nasal cavity. And I say cavity, because he has somehow managed to get the majority of his hand right up his nose.

Bed-time and boogers apparently go hand in hand.

It was kind of funny actually. This past week, when V has said “Mamma too.”, I have crawled into bed with him and rubbed his back and soothed him until he has fallen asleep. This worked magnificently for about 3 days and then changed dramatically. And I guess what really changed is that he discovered that he could remove things from his nose. And put them in his mouth.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww….

So Thursday night, M was home late and I was in charge of V-man. We read some books about Puppies (capitalized as apparently they are that important) and cows (also quite important, but not capitalized and so) and then settled down with our sweet classical music.

He was a little restless, unusually  so for him. I cuddled next to his tossing and turning body and I was trying to stay super still and make a lot of deep-breathing noises. I had hoped that this would encourage him to be less restless.

He wiggled. He squirmed. Arms moved all over the place. My eyes were closed for about 4 minutes or so. Things seemed to calm down. I opened my eyes.

Finger right in cavity.

And then right in mouth. And then he said “Nummy yummy!!” And then I said “Ewwww” again. And then he laughed at me. And then those fingers reached over to my mouth and  patted my lips gently.  And  I tried not to be totally grossed out by that.

And then it happened again the night following. And the night after. So I feel like I have fallen into a trap. Like he has trapped me, deliberately.

Dude. Those fingers are so up the nose way too much. And in the mouth. And then back in the nose. And then back in the mouth. Dude.

Any attempt from me to stop the fingering is met with awful and super volume resistance. And with a mild amount of physical violence. (He smacked my hand. It made me mad.)

He is not even a little grossed out. It’s just like  a natural progression of boy-hood. And that makes me scared for what is to come.

Hands down pants? Poop on walls? Boogers on faces?

Geez. Us.  Che. Rist.

So gross. Please pray for me and hope that our next child will be a female child. Pray hard. There needs to be a literal injection of femininity in this house, and I don’t mean getting another dog. I need a larger dose of it and  human dose at that.

I am heading to bed. To the land of dreams and pretty lacy things, pink unicorns and sugary goodness. And no boogers.

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Bats in the cave

booger-blog

Such a charming expression I picked up in Japan from an Englishman…. it always made me laugh. Right now it aptly describes V’s ongoing condition and my latest obsession…. and obsession is the best way I know how to describe it.

Currently we are embroiled in the midst of a nasty cold. So on top of the wheat and peanut issues, we are now dealing with mild asthma and the introduction of a nebulizer. V is on a course of antibiotics for his ear infection and some steroids for the asthma.

The fun never stops at the ‘perfect health’ bus-stop over here!

For those of you not familiar with this phrase, it refers to boogers (visible ones, that is). I am not going to mince words here. And my following details might be a little graphic….mostly about baby boogers, so I think you all (y’all) can handle it.

V’s little nose is so congested and runny right now that the booges are forming a booge barrier just inside his nose. It’s like a beaver dam or something. Stacks and stacks of boogies, drying up and piling on top of each other. And it seems to happen in a matter of minutes. It feels like I just clean up this icky nose, when it happens again.

Clearly the boogers are ganging up on me.

Hence my obsession. And, of course, like all babies, V hates anyone fussing with his nose. And so I have to pin his head in one place while I use a wet wash-cloth (as this is the only way to knock down that beaver-dam) and scrub and scrub and scrub at his boogie nose.

There is crying and hitting (him hitting me, that is), some shrieking as well. It’s so unpleasant. But once it’s done, it’s done. And all is right in the world. V immediately forgets about it, and life is good.

It reached a point this afternoon that was rather ridiculous.

There I was, scrubbing away, V shrieking, me desperately trying to get that last boogie. Finally, I went right in with my fingers and pried that sticky huge thing away from his face.

“Aha!!!”, I exclaimed, “Gotcha!” and I held it triumphantly up in the air in our dining-room, like it was the Holy Grail or the Sword in the Stone or some other monstrously important artifact.

Yes, that’s right, I am indeed a booger archeologist.

Going where no man (but plenty of mummies, I imagine) has gone before.

M mumbled “Good job” from the living-room while he played wrestling on our PS3. Clearly he was not impressed by my ‘score’.

Anyways, then I realized that I had a booger on my finger (and one that wasn’t mine) and quickly went over to the sink and washed it off.

Again, ahhh motherhood…..

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Filed under boogers, health, Holy Grail, parenting, V