Learning curve, oh and poop

All of Eleanor’s poop looks just like this. Seriously.

 

So the other day I literally caught poop in my hand. Despite being the mother of two, this was a first time experience for me. Obviously I’ve been pooped on, thrown up on, peed on, had things throw at me, been covered in projectile vomit repeatedly… You know, the usual badges of honour that us parents wear.

But this was, honestly, a first.

Sometimes I think that I can communicate with my baby. She seems to understand me when I babble things like ‘Who’s a pretty girl? You are! Are you pretty? You ARE! Who loves Mummy? YOU DO! Who’s my sweetie pie? YOU ARE!!!!’

(Also, I have to admit…. It is slightly humbling to hear your older child talk to your younger child in the baby voice you use. It makes him look slightly psycho. He’s four. And so that would make me…??? Old and more psychotic. Great.)

She smiles a lot while I say these (and even more ridiculous) things. So clearly we are communicating. And so when I ask her things like ‘Please don’t poop on me. Or pee. Please don’t poop or pee on me.’ as I am carrying her to the bath, I feel optimistic. Since we’ve been ‘communicating’, we’ve have no issues. 2 weeks ago, I started feeding her cereal and since then, things are a little more up in the air. Bowel movements are a bit up in the air these days….

Ie: Feed cereal. Poop it out instantaneously. Feed peas. Poop out immediately.

So I guess my plan of ‘feed dinner, immediately take a bath after’ probably was not the most well thought out plan I’ve had in recent weeks. Other plans that are equally bad? Eating hard boiled eggs bought at 7-11 for breakfast, forget to wash hands and lick fingers that are covered in dry formula and accidentally walk through puddle that is actually ‘garbage water’ (as in that liquid that leaks out of a dumpster).

Naked bottom holding with long distance walking is for sure up with these other special plans. And also, total potential Olympic fodder for future games.

Anyways, blah blah blah she pooped in my hand. Then we both took a bath and I sanitized my hand.

Parenting: a constant learning curve.

xoxo am

 

Things not to do in public parks: A Guide

'Mummy! Daddy said I could!"

 

So today I assisted my son in committing a crime.

A crime of public urination.

I had no choice though, I had to assist him. He couldn’t get his pants off by himself. Oh, and we were 20 minutes away from the house on a walk and there (obviously) was no public bathroom nearby.

And this is how it all went down:

Vince: Mummy! I have to go pee! Can I go pee outside? Daddy said I could.

(interestingly, Daddy was nowhere to be seen, mainly because he was at work many many miles away… But I digress)

Me: Ummm….

Vince: Daddy said I could…(and this was the point where he started pulling down his pants while walking away from me, so clearly whatever Daddy says {whenever it was that he said it] goes)

Me: Um, ok. Well, let’s go over here, in the bushes.

And just to clarify, we were at a park a little bit from our house and there was NO way that we would make it back in time to not have an accident. And also, isn’t this just what men do anyways? Pee everywhere both in and out of doors? So this is training. Right?

So I led him over to this little copse of trees by the lake and helped him get his pants down and he let it go. His pants had to go down all the way of course, so there just was no way at all we could even pretend to be discreet about the whole thing

All I could think about was that every single person in the neighbourhood was, right at this very moment, standing at their living room window with their faces pointed in exactly our direction. Judging us. Even that squirrel was judging us, judging us with his beady squirrel eyes…(also, I cannot spell squirrel to save my life). I honestly thought I was going to get some irate person barreling down the park sidewalk to harangue me about my public behavior. I was judging me too, if that makes you feel any better. I’d never done anything like this before.

Ok, let me clarify…. I’VE done things like this before, but that was when I was much, much, much younger. And silly. And probably camping or something. Or drinking. Or whatever, anyways… the point is that I’d never done this with my son before. I kept wondering things like “Gosh, I wish he didn’t pull his pants all the way down to his ankles. At least if he just pulled them down a teeny bit, we could be more discreet.” and “How on earth did he not go before we left the house?” and finally “Where is he keeping all that pee?! It’s a floodgate!”

Of course, the whole time he was saying things like “Daddy said I could” and “Daddy says it’s OK”.

Oh! I get it! It’s a new stage! Aha!

I discussed this with Edward later and he agreed that Vince was busting out the ‘Mummy says it’s OK’ with him too. And Edward, being Edward, believed him. Lesson: Don’t believe the majority of what your almost 4 year old tells you. Because he has learned to lie and he will lie through his teeth. Endlessly and forever. About everything.

But also he told me that he’d let Vince pee outside before when they were at that park. So Vince was, in a way, telling the truth. He just neglected to mention that Daddy had said it was OK quite awhile ago. And hadn’t said it since. To my knowledge anyways. And I am not even sure if I want to know that answer. I think I’ll leave it between the guys… (like penis cleaning, that’s the kind of thing I don’t really want to be involved in. Just about as much as Edward wants to be in cleaning his daughter’s ‘bits’)

Anyways, he didn’t have an accident in his pants so as far as I’m concerned it was a win!

xoxo a.m.

Broken

The end of another busy weekend, which was at the tail end of a very busy week which was at the end of another busy weekend. Busy. Things are buys. This time of year is busy. V is busy. Edward is finally not busy (Winter holiday). Everything else seems to be getting increasingly busy.

Last weekend my most lovely in-laws took my exhausting son to SeaWorld and I went finished my Christmas shopping. How delightful.

Last week was the beginning of that wonderful time of year where absolutely everyone attempts to take a holiday at the same time at the office, which results in never enough people to cover everywhere, which makes things feel a little frantic.

Makes some people a little cranky. I, however, have been annoyingly chipper which probably means some coworkers are cursing me. I am on a vitamin/exercise high, man! I am running like a freak, doing daily vitamin D and flax seed oil and am getting B12 injections. I feel freaking amazing. And have a retardo amount of energy. And have no patience for people being shitty or cranky (unless I like you).Then you can be shitty or cranky all you like, I’ll just laugh at you a lot more. But still love you.

Anyways. Busy. Things are busy.

My son is quite busy. Here are some things that are increasing his busyness:

“Mummy!! No kisses! No like it!!”

“Mummy!! No hold a hand! No like it!”

“Mummy, am I good boy!!!”

“Uh-oh. I broked it.”

“Mummy? It’s broken”

“Mummy? Chewie broke it”

Our poor Christmas tree. It is slowly getting denuded.Well, the top is decorated with everything really fragile and the bottom holds the majority of the non-breakables. Or so I thought.  I had to trash 3 ornaments this week because they were broken beyond fixing. One Chihuahua with absolutely no legs (and I don’t know where the legs are). One snowflake. One train with numerous missing pieces.

And, brave soul that I am, I put presents from his Auntie Tamsin under the tree. So far they have survived 2 days of not being opened (apart for that one I opened as it clearly was Cheezies and I needed to eat them).

Edward gave me the raised eyebrow when he saw that. And also an almost undertone “Are you a crazy person?” chuckle. Well I’m not! NOT!! So there! They are still there. Even the one that makes noise, that got accidentally kicked this evening. And then kicked again so it made more noise. And then kicked one more time, at which point it was removed from the general vicinity to curious eyes and will not be seen again until this coming Saturday.

Anyways. I am about to embark on a super busy 2 weeks. Will post more.

love you! xoxo a.m.