Category Archives: uncomfortable

Shark bites (or Adventures in Dermatology)

As the Dermatologist headed towards her, Jaime felt a sudden apprehension...

Don’t worry, I haven’t gone anywhere. You were worried, right? I thought so…

Life has thrown me a couple of really busy weeks and I feel like I’ve put on the veil and disappeared from posting about every little teeny thing that is going on in my life…

Biggest thing has been my exciting trip to the dermatologists a few weeks ago. What I thought was just going to be a quick trip for a refill on meds turned into a full-blown skin check. And that ended in the doctor saying to me “Well, I think I’m going to biopsy this one. And…. this one over here. And this one. And then just this last one. Ok?”

No harm in being proactive regarding your skin especially when you live in Florida and it’s hot as Hades 9 of the 12 months of the year.

A few days later I got a call at work from the dermatologist’s assistant, who said the following “Do you have a moment to go over your results?”

This is medical speak for ‘it’s bad’.

Gah.

And not that it was really that bad. But it wasn’t like they were calling me to tell me “We just wanted to let you know that your skin is PERFECT! The most perfect we have ever seen! And below the surface? You are made completely of angel dust and gold sparkles!”

In reality, it was 3 abnormal areas, with the potential to possibly develop into something worse given time. And removal was what was suggested. And I agreed.

First spot to go was on my hip. Didn’t feel a thing. I got an enormous bandage that sort of looked like perhaps a rabid animal had bitten me. Maybe even a shark. I was an enormous baby by the end of the first day. But, the following day it was fine. I removed the giant bandage and replaced it with a little teeny one. I skipped the gym for a few days, haven’t been swimming in 2 weeks and have been going through hydrogen peroxide like it’s going out of style.

Monday, site 2 is removed. Right below my collar-bone. Shark bite take 2! I wonder how enormous the bandage will be this time?? Hopefully people will take pity on my Tuesday at work and bring me cookies (Jen, I’ll be in Winter Park that day, ok??).

I keep thinking ‘proactive, proactive, proactive’. And also ‘stop being a baby, it’s not a shark bite and stop pretending it is’.

Third site will be on the back of my right arm and will be removed in two more weeks, when I go in to have the stitches removed from the site on my chest.

This is just one of the ridiculous things that are going on in my life right now… Thrilling, is it not?

So I am still here. Giant shark bite and all…

 

xoxo a.m.

 

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Filed under drama, epic, exhaustion, uncomfortable

Inappropriate English

Just yesterday, Edward and I had one of ‘those’ conversations. One that, I think, he was pretty sure was a HUGE lecture. Probably one that lots and lots of wives have had with their husbands. Or not. I mean, I am married to Edward and he is a huge pain in my ass.

But they all are, aren’t they?

Anyways, I came back from the March for Babies in downtown Orlando to a happy home. Vince was full of appetite and life. Edward was cheerful and non-sleep-deprived. The dog was walked. Everyone was terribly happy.

“Vincent, would you like another cup of booger poo-poo milk?” asked Edward, oh so politely.

“NOOOO! I no like booger poo-poo milk”, Vince responded in a manner that indicated that he had been asked this question before.

And why would I even be a little surprised by this. Edward teaches him all sorts of ridiculous things, things which usually result in ‘looks’ from me. ‘Looks’ that I am pretty sure that Edward has learned to ignore.

Because he still teaches him ridiculous things.

So back to yesterday….

“Please, please. Can you teach him English?? Please?”, I asked, while most likely making a face, which means I was trying to not make a face. Which is another face entirely.

Response?

“I will teach him anything I want to!”, he proclaimed proud and firmly, “It’s my fatherly right.”

I rolled my eyes. Men. Whatever. This was just a pointless argument waiting to start. This was something I was going to leave alone for the time being.

Or, at least I thought I was going to…

Later that day, Vince and I hit up the grocery store. We were running low on Vincent snacks among other things. Needed some fruit, stuff for dinner, some milk.

We hit up the dairy section and I reached into the case to grab a couple of litres of milk.

“Mummy! Mummy Mummy Mummy! I no like booger poo-poo milk!”, Vince sing-songed while I was reaching.

“Booger Poo-poo! BOOGER! Poo! POO!!” he proclaimed, “BOOGER POO POO BOOGER BOOGER POO! POO! BOOGER! POO POO POO POO!”

And as we rolled through the aisles, he continued to shout this out at varying levels of loudness.

Finally I called Edward. “Thanks honey. Thanks”.

“What?!?!” he replied bewilderingly. But he knew. Oh, he knew. And then I made him listen. Listen as his son sang the most ridiculous song about boogers and poopoo at the top of his lungs while I pushed him around the grocery store.

That Bastard.

That Bastard who then apologized to me profusely. And then promised to be more conscientious of what he talked about with Vince. You honestly would think an English teacher would have better sense. Right?

Clearly I have married a crazy person.

xoxo a.m.

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Filed under amusing, annoying, awkward, bastards, boogers, boys, parenting, Toddlers, uncomfortable

Twin Bed

A short guide to not only buying a mattress, but also to surviving the post-sale salesman small talk.

After much back and forth it was decided that the addition of a twin bed would be a good idea to the household.  We currently have a full size (or standard or what every you call it) futon convertible. But the addition of another sleeping surface is necessary. Especially considering our upcoming company. We also were considering it V’s future ‘Big Boy’ bed.

We did some price checking.  The whole usual sort of thing.

Blah blah blah… let me just skip to us pulling up to the store and add that we were actually the only car in the lot. Where the salesman parked, no idea. There was only one of him and literally no other cars in a quarter mile radius.

It took a while for us to decide.

We had to decide between the cheapest mattress they had and then the one slightly more expensive.

Let me illustrate how hard this decision was:

“Could you show me your least expensive mattress?”

“Yes… it’s right over here “, he said, slightly out of breath from the thought of a potential sale and also from running from his desk to a dark corner where he frantically tossed garbage off of a thin crappy looking mattress stuffed behind some sales props.

“Go ahead, lie down and see how it feels…. it’s, ummm, not the best”, he added, “It’s not what I’d like to sleep on. But go ahead. Lie down.”

I didn’t need to do that to know that it felt like a prison cot.

We opted for something else. I know my Mum appreciates the thought that went into making that tricky decision.

So M and V went outside to make a call and I went to pay.

With my Visa card and id on the far side of his desk and the sales screen open, Kevin proceeded to make the most painful small talk I have ever been a party to.

Here are a few topics he covered:

Farmers Markets and how they just ‘need a chance’, Puerto Ricans, his nagging dry cough, the drive he took with his wife last weekend, how he works Saturdays, why he likes fresh vegetables…

This whole conversation was actually directed at the front of the store and not at me. He just stared blankly ahead while he rambled and made no eye contact at all.

Tips:

Wait until the sales forms are completed before handing over id/credit card.

Do not let your husband abandon you while you pay.

Make sure you bring your child who will serve as a handy distraction and allow you a quick and easy exit. And also prevent ‘chatting’.

xoxo a.m.

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Filed under family, holy mother, Mad skills, mattress, patience, Uncategorized, uncomfortable