Category Archives: sarcasm

Bits

How do you name a penis?

Tricky question, eh?

Thursday night, as we started our bath-time washing procedure, we encountered ‘the area’ a few minutes in. Boy Territory is something I tread a little gingerly, as I am not that familiar with it. Apart from the obvious familiarity of being married to a man.

I am teaching V to scrub-a-dub himself and so I shout out random (boy) parts while I foam-pump soap into his palms and watch with delight while he hurries to find and cover them with suds (I am assuming that something is being cleaned just with soap touching it).

So of course we hit the usual…

Arms!

Fingers!

Toes!

Tummy!

And then I shout things like “Scrub scrub scrub!” And “Wash wash wash!”

And at some point those hands wandered down ‘There’ and a damp face makes a mischevious little grin at me.

And then? I shouted “Wash your….. weewee!!”

What WHAT?

It’s OK. I feel your shock. I was in a pinch and that’s what came out. And as soon as it left my mouth, I turned red. Even though there was no-one else around to see or hear what I just said, apart from Vince…. who was currently clutching those ‘bits’ and saying “Weeeeeee we. WeeeWeeeeeee! WeWe!”

Crap.

What did I just create.

And crap. What do you call those bits?!

I mean, I call them ‘bits’. To the general public that is. Not that it’s something that I am generally announcing to people. But when I am, that’s how I announce them.

Edward?! Where are you?! I need you for these situations! So get off your Fantasy football calculator thingy and come upstairs and clean your son’s penis!

… is what I would like to shout, but don’t. I just hold it all in. Like the proud British-Canadian that I am…

Well, tonight we had tub-time again. And Edward was in Philly and therefore was not around for assistance. But no matter, V got there before I could and started scrubbing away at various parts to much applauding, finally getting to the ‘bits and then looking up at me before he did anything.

Vince!! Wash your ‘peepee’!”

Ok, at least this was slightly better than ‘weewee’. Geez.

I really have no idea where to go with this one. I am thinking I might just stick to ‘bits’ and that suits my sensibilities just fine.

Any suggestions?

xoxo a.m.

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Filed under awkward, bath-time, boys, Daddy, Lake Nona, Mad skills, Mummy, parenting, patience, pause, pee, poo, sarcasm, Uncategorized

Easter ‘grass’

Last night:

“M? Would you like to help me put some grass in bags?”, I asked super sweetly.

Response? Nothing. Just a look. And it wasn’t much of one at that. The look was followed by a snicker. ‘Grass in baggies’ apparently hit a funny bone. However, he clearly had other things on his card for the evenings entertainment.

I have been feeling the pressure of daycare lately. V has been sent home with so many goodie bags from various parents for various holidays and events that I finally have bit the bullet.

I too will be one of those “Of course! I totally have time to make a cute project for my child’s whole entire class!! mothers.  Except I am not really one of those mothers. At least, I am not yet.

So there I sat on the living-room floor, watching last weeks Lost episode and stuffing Easter grass into baggies shaped like baby chicks. I literally had 3 left to fill when Mr M saunters over from the couch and sits down next to me.

“Want some help?”, he asked, as he reached for a baby chickie bag and some grass.

I watched him as he literally picked up pieces of paper grass and inserted them individually into the baggies.It took him a solid minute to fill the bag. As he finished, he looked up at me with a grin and this look on his face.

This look kind of looked like I was supposed to thank him  repeatedly, for all of the help he had just given me.

Instead:

“What? You want a gold star or something?”

“Ummm…”

“Gee M, thanks for taking 5 minutes to fill one bag. So helpful.”

“You could just say thank you and not be so sarcasstic.”

“”Oh, I could??  Wow. Thanks. You helped SO much.”

“Ok, enough with the sarcasm.”

Men.

Anyways, off I went with V the next morning with all of our cute treats. It was a bit of a clingy morning for the Little Man. He didn’t want to go into the classroom. That’s what happens when I drop him off earlier and his regular teacher isn’t there. He only loves her. Oh, and me. But mostly her. She is cute and blonde and perky, I’d probably love her too if I was 2!

Well what a disappointment it was for me to find out that I was 2 bags short. I guess it would have been a good idea to count the student list before I launched into this cutesy project.

Fail!!

So back they went to the car and one frantic shopping trip to Target later, I finally got things straightened out. Tonight. Delivery for tomorrow.

And all I can think about is that I really hope I counted correctly…

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Filed under art projects, Easter, Mad skills, parenting, sarcasm, Toddlers, Uncategorized