Category Archives: epic

Shark bites (or Adventures in Dermatology)

As the Dermatologist headed towards her, Jaime felt a sudden apprehension...

Don’t worry, I haven’t gone anywhere. You were worried, right? I thought so…

Life has thrown me a couple of really busy weeks and I feel like I’ve put on the veil and disappeared from posting about every little teeny thing that is going on in my life…

Biggest thing has been my exciting trip to the dermatologists a few weeks ago. What I thought was just going to be a quick trip for a refill on meds turned into a full-blown skin check. And that ended in the doctor saying to me “Well, I think I’m going to biopsy this one. And…. this one over here. And this one. And then just this last one. Ok?”

No harm in being proactive regarding your skin especially when you live in Florida and it’s hot as Hades 9 of the 12 months of the year.

A few days later I got a call at work from the dermatologist’s assistant, who said the following “Do you have a moment to go over your results?”

This is medical speak for ‘it’s bad’.

Gah.

And not that it was really that bad. But it wasn’t like they were calling me to tell me “We just wanted to let you know that your skin is PERFECT! The most perfect we have ever seen! And below the surface? You are made completely of angel dust and gold sparkles!”

In reality, it was 3 abnormal areas, with the potential to possibly develop into something worse given time. And removal was what was suggested. And I agreed.

First spot to go was on my hip. Didn’t feel a thing. I got an enormous bandage that sort of looked like perhaps a rabid animal had bitten me. Maybe even a shark. I was an enormous baby by the end of the first day. But, the following day it was fine. I removed the giant bandage and replaced it with a little teeny one. I skipped the gym for a few days, haven’t been swimming in 2 weeks and have been going through hydrogen peroxide like it’s going out of style.

Monday, site 2 is removed. Right below my collar-bone. Shark bite take 2! I wonder how enormous the bandage will be this time?? Hopefully people will take pity on my Tuesday at work and bring me cookies (Jen, I’ll be in Winter Park that day, ok??).

I keep thinking ‘proactive, proactive, proactive’. And also ‘stop being a baby, it’s not a shark bite and stop pretending it is’.

Third site will be on the back of my right arm and will be removed in two more weeks, when I go in to have the stitches removed from the site on my chest.

This is just one of the ridiculous things that are going on in my life right now… Thrilling, is it not?

So I am still here. Giant shark bite and all…

 

xoxo a.m.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under drama, epic, exhaustion, uncomfortable

I can roar like a dragon

I think this is what my face looked like this morning...

Or so I found out this morning on my way to my in-laws house. We headed over there for some swimming and there was a rumor floating around that they would babysit while Edward and I went to the movies.

E headed off first, we followed a few minutes later.

I threw in a cd, some nice chill Sarah Harmer (that’s ‘hippy crap’ to you Fran) and it all went down hill from there.

My son disapproved of my music choice

“I no like this, I want the Danger Danger song. Mummy! I want my song! I no like this, I don’t want to listen to it. I want MY MUSIC! TURN IT OFF MUMMY!” etc etc etc

And this was combined with tears, flailing and the whiniest voice you have ever heard. IN YOUR LIFE. Unless you too have a three-year old, then you know exactly what I am talking about.

I, apparently, I left my patience on the couch. And also, one can only listen to ‘Danger Danger, High Voltage by Electric Six’ so many times before losing your damn mind.

This roar erupted out of me that actually was rather frightening. Vince must have agreed because he paused in mid-whine and burst into actual real tears, as opposed to the fake ones previous. Ugh.  I hate it when things like this happen, but sometimes they just do.

3 seconds later, we both moved on. I calmed down, V stopped crying and we hit the expressway to Sassy and Pop-Pop’s.

Once we arrived, I told V it was time to go to the bathroom.

“No, I just did it already.” Oh really. Reeeaaaallllyyy. And nope, you didn’t. Well, you did, but it was 4 hours ago. You are not a camel. So off we went to the potty amid many protestations of “I did it already” and “I don’t have to”.

I shut the door and locked it. Edwards parents weren’t home yet, but I had to go too and I always lock the door. Mistake number one, clearly.

“You don’t lock da door! YOU DON”T LOCK IT!!”

(I’m sitting on the potty)

“I don’t want to go potty!!!!!!! I don’t have to!!!!

(The door is unlocked. Did I mention I was sitting on the potty?)

“I DON”T WANT TO!!!!”

And then he opened the door. I roared just one word “OUT” and he ran.

Edward, from the other room, “Jame? What on earth is going on in there?”

*sigh* Mummy is losing her damn mind.

And then 3 seconds later, Vince announced “I wanna go potty with Daddy”. And off they went, to the potty on the other side of the house. And they returned successful, V proclaiming “Mummy! I did a super monster pee!”

And then V happily went off with his Grandparents and Edward and I went and saw Captain America.

There is, it seems, an awful lot of arguing going on in our house. Vince disapproves of pretty much everything we do and breaks out his multiple not-so-secret weapons of whining, tears and full on fits. I am clearly learning how to handle this. And it seems that I am mostly handling it badly.

Vince has been three for 6 weeks. Geez-us is this way worse than  2.

I’ll get the hang of it eventually, probably when he turns 4…

xoxo a.m.

Leave a comment

Filed under boys, epic, holy mother, parenting, patience, Uncategorized

Oh blessedness, I love and hate you…

Just how I like my mornings to start, full of duckings…

I awoke this morning with such a feeling of total blessedness, that I couldn’t help but be extra genki. I spun and twirled around the second floor of our townhouse, brandishing a toilet bowl brush, wiping down counter tops, throwing laundry in the wash and dryer.

Vince woke up and was in such a deliciously cheerful mood, that I instantly determined that this was, indeed, a blessed day.

He chattered happily away to himself and the dog while up on our big bed, as Edward somehow slept the morning away. How he slept through the never-ending stream of chatter, dog barks, flushing toilets, bouncing, poking, painful hugs, I have no idea. (I think he was faking it, hoping we’d leave…. Ha! Nice try! No sleeping in in our house mister!)

I blessedly went to the gym and blessedly sweated. The boys blessedly went swimming. Vince practiced plugging his nose and squeezing his eyes tight shut and dunking his little chunky face in the pool.

And then, Vince and I blessedly drove to my most favorite of all places to shop…. World Market. And while I shopped, Vince blessedly played Angry Birds on my phone to his heart’s content.

I mean really. Could this day get any better?

And the answer is no. Nope. Mostly because that small person that I was driving around with decided that they hated everything and then some.

Pausing for a quick run in to Home Depot, the following conversation ensued. I really need to remember that he is 3 and not a teenager.

“Mummy, I’m just going to stay in the car”.

“No honey, you’ve got to come into Home Depot with me, it’s too hot for you to stay in the car”.

“No it isn’t”.

“Yes it is”

“No it isn’t. The air is on”.

“Honey, I have to turn the air off when the car stops”.

“No you don’t”.

“Yes I do”.

etc etc etc. Isn’t it just painful to read? It was painful to experience. I didn’t let it destroy my bliss. And I didn’t scream into a paper bag, so all in all I was proud of my self-control.

Somehow, for the remains of the day, I managed to hold on to my bliss. And there were many many many things that attempted to destroy it.

And then, the most blessed of all blessed events took place. (Nope, not me caulking my shower, although that also took place this evening).

My child went to bed, mostly lured there with promises of ice cream the following day if he went to sleep instantly.

Oh bliss. The blessedly blissfulness of a quiet home, a tasty dinner and that wonderful feeling of tiredness that comes after an over-productive day….

Night oh most blessed of all blessed readers…

xoxo a.m.

3 Comments

Filed under blessed, epic, family, parenting, patience

Epiphany

A few days ago, I was driving  through the parking lot at Publix and I braked and waved a mum and her 2 kids across the traffic. Her hand lifted in a ‘thank you’ wave and then practically leapt down and latched on to her 4 year old’s hand. Her younger child had a pained look on her face and her little fingers twisted and turned and fought the grip her mum had on her.

I literally had an epiphany.

Oh my gosh. It’s not just me. My son is not the only child in the whole world that hates having his hand held. It is, in fact, all children everywhere in the whole entire.

Funnily enough, this was really a kind of shocking epiphany. I think as you are parenting, it is very hard to remember that what you are doing is what all parents are doing everywhere. Even though it very well may be the most frustrating thing ever, or the grossest thing ever. Or the sweetest thing ever. Whatever those things are, they are being repeated endlessly everywhere.

So two days of really awful diarrhea? Yup, that’s going on somewhere.

A 3 year old, running carelessly around the YMCA pool deck with his father shouting at him? Yup, that too.

Asking for a hug before bedtime and getting “No, maybe later Mummy” as a response. Most likely this is happening in every single home around the world simultaneously.

And just to complain for a second, I had to force a hug from my child tonight. First time. Every night I usually get joyous hugs and smooches, without  even asking for them.

Tonight, Edward picked up Vince, handed him to me and then placed his arms around my neck, mimicking a hug. Half a second later, V wiggled out of my arms and proclaimed it was Daddy’s night and essentially banished me to the living room.

Hm. It appears as if my years of overly loving on my son might be approaching their end.

Nothing like a little Angry Birds to relax...

But, at the same time, it really does help to have these epiphanies. Because honestly it is really easy to forget that you are not the only one going through all of this ridiculous, dramatic, wailing, flailing, smart-mouthed, talking back, pooping everywhere (or nowhere) life.

Everyone else is too. Don’t forget.

xoxo a.m.

Leave a comment

Filed under awesomeness, epic, epiphany, family, parenting, Uncategorized

Sometimes we have the oddest battles…

Annoyed with Edward's shorts in the sink again, I got ready for a night out on the town...

And I am sure that’s true for everyone, actually. Not just parents of little ones, but parents of big ones, non-parents, married couples, non-married couples. Everyone.

Years ago I can remember getting just furious with Edward because he left his shorts in the bathroom sink. Why would you leave YOUR SHORTS in the sink?! I was so mad. Yesterday, I got back from the gym, stripped and plunked my sports bra in the sink. And in my self-defense it’s because it’s bright purple, has a tendency to run and I don’t trust Edward to do laundry properly.

About 2 years ago, I remember (yes, it’s all Edward’s fault) being SO MAD at him because he would use my facecloth to wipe off his freshly shorn head. And then, not only did he not rinse it off, but he hung it back. Leaving me, unsuspectingly , to encounter it early morning while washing my face, leaving me covered in dark hair. I looked like one of the wolf people.

Tonight with Vince, it was something just plain bizarre. He was terribly wound up when I picked him up at my in-laws. And had been stuffing himself with turkey pepperoni and provolone. He chattered away happily to himself in the backseat as we drove back to our house:

“My head went boop! And then my hair was all gone. Mummy! My hair! It’s not der! It’s aaallllll gone. Uh-oh, I found one! My hairs! Der back!” etc etc

Back at our sweet pad, he dashed around like a crazed monkey. I managed to squeeze some yogurt into him and half a (don’t judge) corn-dog. He announced “I no want to eat, I wanna do a puzzle”.

So we trotted upstairs with some milk, got our pj’s on, got all ready for a puzzle session. We read a bedtime book, put on Cat Stevens and flipped off the lights. And then V flipped out.

“I want my dinnnnnnnner! I want my macaroniiiiiiiiiii! I need my dinner!”

“I want my peas and corn. Mummy, I need my peas and corn Mummy! I NEED MY PEAS AND CORN!!!”

Holy moly, where did this come from? Why on earth are peas and corn the sudden subject of a torrential downpour? And then, just like the rain in Florida, it stopped.

And it made me laugh. I waited, of course, until I’d left the room. I had to wait at least a day to laugh at Edward’s damn shorts in the sink. And maybe 20 minutes, post-wolf-face.

Sometimes the oddest battles are the best, partially because they make the greatest stories. And great stories are the cement of awesome relationships. We got some damn good cement over here….

xoxo a.m.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under awesomeness, curly, drama, epic, honey, husbands, Mad skills, parenting

Please try to not pull all your hair out, ok?

Cheerfully polishing a fry-pan, I prepared to beat myself over the head with it...

Or at least that’s what I tried not to do yesterday with Vince.

Check out my sweet parenting logic:

In order to get ones child to eat more veggies, buy more veggies. With this in mind, yesterday Vince and I hit Pubes (aka Publix) for some healthy lunch things for me. As I picked out my veggies, Vince asked “What doing, Mummy?”

Mummy: “Buying some veggies, honey.”

Vince: *curiously* “Oh! I like veggies too!!”

Mummy: “You do? Do you like broccoli?”

Vince: “No, I no like broccoli. I like veggies.”

Mummy: “I like broccoli, it’s yummy. AND it makes you strong!”

Vince: “I’m stronger! I like broccoli! I want to eat it! In my mouth!”

Ok, I can handle this. I went and bought one of those Amy’s Organic kids meals (did I mention I was about falling over from exhaustion? And that is why I bought a microwave meal for my child. The End.) Anyways, it had broccoli in it and Vince promised to eat it and the macaroni that came with.

So home we went and I ‘cooked’ dinner for him. He sort of dragged his feet at eating and I sort of ended up ‘encouraging’ him to do it. Scooping up a little spoonful of noodles, I handed it to him. “No Mummy! NOOOOOOO! I can’t eat it! It’s too much!:

?? Too much? There were precisely 3 noodles on that spoon.

“No Mummy, like dis,” he proclaimed solemnly as he proceeded to flick off two of the noodles from the spoon. “And dats enough,” he said. And then he ate ONE noodle.

And then he ate ONE more noodle. And then he ate individual noodles for 5 minutes. I swear I was almost bald by the time dinner was over. It was the only way I could remain patient. And sane. I might have moaned out-loud repeatedly.

And then? He refused to eat broccoli.

“No Mummy, YOU like veggies. You eat it.”

Alright FINE.

I will baldly eat YOUR broccoli and enjoy it, dammit. DAMMIT!

xoxo a.m.

2 Comments

Filed under bite, epic, family, fancy, parenting, patience, Uncategorized

Please stop asking for donuts (during the christening)

Getting all gussied up for church

Last night we landed in Orlando around 10:30. I was in bed by 11 pm. Such is the blessing of living near the airport. In bed, not unpacked, but in bed with a washed face and contact lenses out.

And up a few hours later for work which, in retrospect, possibly I should have just slept through, on my couch. I was mostly coherent. Another blessing.

And speaking of blessings, Vince was blessed by Father Stephen on Sunday with his cousin Chloe, truly a mostly well-behaved event.

It sounds like I said most well-behaved, right? It’s a lie.

Vince: “Mummy, I no like this place! I wanna go home. I no like it. I wanna go. I NO LIKE IT!! I WANNA GO!!”

…is what was chanted during the ceremony. And I would love for you to guess where we were sitting. Please do. Please. PLEASE.

Also: “Mummy, I WANNA DONUT!” and “Mummy! Where’s my firetruck!” and “Mummy, I dropped my firetruck!

And then, mostly just the following “Mummy! Mummy Mummy Mummy Mummy! MUMMY! Mummy Mummy!

It was a wee bit of a long ceremony, longer then I was anticipating. I can totally understand the whinging. Vince and Chloe were the oldest there, so it’s not that surprising that they were TOTALLY bored with everything.

Tricky thing, this christening. Tricky thing. The real tricky part is when the Priest asks you to lean them over the the font. But your child is, perhaps, three. So leaning is really out of the question.

It’s more like draping a stiff mannequin over a fountain… One that is silently screaming, that is. Who knew they could do that? While being politely draped over a baptismal font. Oh child of mine, you are so good at being dramatic..

It was a lovely, painful, extra dramatic, donut-wishing, fire-truck driving on bibles type of ceremony. A real special ceremony.

Special.

We survived. That is all.

xoxo a.m.

1 Comment

Filed under epic, family, Mad skills, parenting

Mostly about sweaters, not at all about christening…

Too many cool people to count...

 

This morning started off terribly relaxed. I am pleased to report that Vince ran himself so ragged with his cousins yesterday, that he crashed hard. And so did his parents.

Yesterday was Vincent and Chloe’s Christening party, which was held and organized by Chloe’s parent’s, Edward’s Aunt Christine and Uncle Lee at a really pretty little park on Long Island (I’d tell you where, but honestly, I’m not really sure where we were).

Christine pretty much broke her back organizing everything and it was amazing. Centerpieces, catered delicious food, party favours, childrens crafts etc etc. How she is not dead from exhaustion, I have no idea…

We arrived and helped (sort of) set up and for a while I wondered if as many people as I were told were coming. It was pretty quiet, Vince and his two little cousins ran around and scared the Canadian Geese that were chilling out. (Hey look!! My family showed up!) and it was a pretty low key event…

And then, what started off as a slow trickle became a deluge of Italians. Not that I’m complaining, I love them all.  Oh how I LOVE them. It just seemed that there were none and then suddenly there were 70. And all of them were saying one of the two following statements:

“Vincent is the most adorable thing I have ever seen. LOOK AT THOSE CURLS!!”

And

“When are you having another?” And when I paused to answer… (while holding a Bud Light Lime) “Are you pregnant RIGHT NOW?!?!”

I think I hit 10 before I lost count. I asked Edward this morning. His response?

“Are you two going to have another baby? Is Jaime pregnant RIGHT NOW?”

Oh my lord.

Let me just clear everything up.

Yes, we are planning on having another child. No, I am currently not pregnant. I will be sure to let you all know immediately as soon as I find out, right after I pee on the stick. Maybe even before I tell Edward. Possibly before my mother-in-law knows. Maybe I’ll tell everyone via blog, that way everyone will instantaneously know. Plus, it will up my readership. To include more members of my family. Ha!

So, to conclude. I heart my family. Yes, they are all crazy and obsessed with babies. We eat a lot together. In fact, that appears to be what we do best. Yes, we are trying to have another one. No, I am not pregnant.

I really hope that has cleared up any and all questions…Don’t hesitate to ask me anything else. I’m sure you won’t.

xoxo a.m.

Leave a comment

Filed under awesomeness, epic, family, New York, parenting

Please be my friend…

 

So since Vince turned 3 1 1/2 weeks ago, things seem so much different. I wonder if every parent notices this at this landmark age? And by landmark age, I simply mean a further continuation of the hell that was 2 that has now become 3.

But by hell, I really mean ‘fun’ and ‘awesomeness’.

Three is terribly interesting. Three means rather a lot of interesting conversations about a lot of interesting things.

Sometimes it’s about dinosaurs:

Vince: “Mummy hurry! The dinosaur is gonna get us!”

Mummy: “Oh my gosh, it is? What should we do?”

Vince: “We gotta hide!!”

Sometimes its just random arguments, politely worded..

Vince: “Mummy, I’m just gonna do this ober der, ok?”

Vince: “Mummy, I’m just gonna stand on dis right here.”

Vince: “Mummy, I’m just gonna take this from here.”

Mummy: “No. Vince, please don’t do that/take this/stand there.”

Please don’t open the fridge and try to pour your own milk. Please don’t carry my weights around the upstairs and state “Mummy!! I’m stronger!!” Actually, its OK that you do that. I love it. Please don’t sweep my floors. Please don’t pull the dogs tail, he will bite you for sure. Please don’t cry, I know the dog just bit you. Please talk to your Nana on Skype. Please say ‘hi’ to your Grandparents on the phone. Please, please, please…

It is just a huge, endless session of ‘please’. Mostly followed by ‘no’. Interspersed with dinosaurs and frogs attacking whomever is nearest. Frequent exclamations of “Mummy! I did a HUGE poo! Come see!” (and subsequent clapping).

Is this starting to sound like your life? Are you me? Are we the same person?

Not that I dislike it, it’s new and interesting. I like new and interesting things. I like Vince. Hence, I like this new path of ridiculous.

Today as a Lexus van drove slowly past our family walking, I thought “Based on seeing us, they probably are not going to move here”. Vince in a wife-beater with a monkey, combat shorts and dinosaur rubber boots, Edward in practically his underwear and myself in a tank-top I used to wear when I was hugely preggos and capris printed with flamingos…

Don’t you want to be our neighbors and friends? Don’t you want to share the joy of ‘3’ with us? Aren’t you already doing the same thing that we are?

We are JUST down the street. In fact, we are your neighbors already.

xoxo a.m.

Leave a comment

Filed under epic, family, holy mother, parenting

Extended lifecycle

 

Somehow it ended up happening. Our son’s life cycle extended itself another year… Despite somehow running into every wall known to man, sliding along surfaces on his stomach that are not the least bit slidey and those periodic weeks where he ate nothing at all… He is still alive.

He (we) survived.

Today, Vince and I hit up the pediatrician for his 3 year check. Every year is something different. Year one and Year two were mainly about shots. That I remember, anyways.

This year I actually had to get him to pee in a cup. Oh all that is holy, why, why  is this even needed?! Five minutes in the potty with Vince was required. I had to count to ‘almost three’ several times, hold the cup inside the potty for potential aiming purposes and thI literally had to ‘place’ the cup in the area. There was ‘cupping’. And with cupping, suddenly came pee. So much, in fact, that I was afraid that the cup would not contain it all.

V: “DADDY!! I pee in a cup!!”

Daddy: “Good job Little Man!”

And that really was the highlight of the afternoon. Peeing into containers is an awesome symbol of mans achievement. And peeing.

Post-pee, Vince was surprisingly cool with everything his doctor could throw at him. Check my ears? Sure! Listen to my heart? Why not! (All I could think during this mostly was ‘who are you?!”) Look in my mouth? No. No, actually, you cannot do that. And don’t lie about counting my teeth like Mummy said you would. BULLSHIT.

But I have no issues with you checking out my scrotum. At all. Typical.

Anyways, the verdict is he is huge. 75th in height and 95th in weight. And, flatteringly enough, she said his developmental skills are genius as is his verbal communication. And then he was cheeky and said a couple smart comments to her which made her laugh.

Yay Mummy and Daddy. I guess that’s what you get when you have two English Majors that marry each other and then procreate. And, post-creation, epically push books slash reading at every possible moment.

So it’s good. V is clever. V is amazing. V is Awesome. V: Genius.

Clearly I gave birth to the James Bond of pediatric yearly follow ups. Nice.

Nice work V!!!

xoxo a.m.

 

 

1 Comment

Filed under amazing!, epic, family, glorious, Mad skills