Avec holy terror

This past Tuesday morning brought a new skill of Vince’s to light. A previously unknown skill. A skill that was observed by the majority of the mothers and fathers going to and fro from his preschool parking lot.

We pulled in and parked. I swung around and opened his door, unbuckled him and he scrambled for the seat next to him and then crawled up on the trunk cover of my hatchback. And there he stayed, little giggle-snorts occasionally emerging from him. Threats were useless. Bribes were also completely useless.

Finally, I shut the door, left him there and walked over to the garbage can by the front door of the school, hoping perhaps that this would encourage him to MOVE HIS BUTT.

The only reaction I got was from another mom who walked closer to my car for a better look and then remarked “Well, that’s a new one.”

Oh, well I am SO glad that we were able to teach you something… And that was totally sincere. Honestly.

A few minutes later, he apparently got bored and we were able to got to school and I was able to go to work.

He attempted to do it again on Wednesday and Thursday. I managed to intercept and derail all plans for those 2 days.

Saturday he was angelic. All day. A perfect angel. I spoiled him rotten as a result with a popcorn/movie party on Mummy and Daddy’s big bed and we watched Rio. Ok, I lied. There was an incident or two. But compared to the day as a whole, angelic.

Today? I would consider his behavior The Opposite of yesterday. Mainly because he climbed up on the hatchback cover twice. And twice I had to wait him out. Yup, I just sit and ignore him and wait for him to stop. It may take some time, but the second he is down I let him know exactly what his punishment will be… (I took his stuffed Angry Bird away… I’m pretty sure he could have cared less).

The second time he did it (and might I add he learned how to lock his door from the inside too?) we hit the big time. Once I was done waiting him out, that is… Early bedtime was promised most fiercely. And then double promised later when Vince did a runner down the sidewalk and disappeared from view while we were walking the dog. And didn’t come back. Forcing me to run with bags of poo, no bra and barefoot down the sidewalk to frog-march him back to the house.

Vince can now say the following: “I no run away because da car can come and HIT me! And the Man can come and take me away. Right Mummy??”

Yes, that’s right. More or less. Or what ever I can come up with.

Oh well, c’est la vie avec toddler, no??

xoxo a.m.

Scars, complaints and some mild drama…

So earlier this week I had my final ‘spot’ sliced off at the dermatologist.

HALLELUJAH.

I’m so tired of going there that I am not capable of adding an exclamation mark to the previous ‘exclamation’. It’s just a loud statement. Said in a bored sort of voice, because I am so over being sliced that it’s not even funny.

The nurse removed the stitches from the ‘spot’ on my chest, which has healed up quite good. The spot on my thigh looks like someone bingo-stamped with magenta ink. Oh and put a big icky scab in the middle. Real attractive. The last area is on the side of my upper right arm. Another three stitches, frankly this one looks a little rougher. And hairier. Stitch thread sticking up and a bald spot in the shape of a band-aid in the surrounding area are competing to add extra glamour to my day-to-day look.

One more week and I head back to have the stitches removed. Since it’s such a quick procedure, I’ve elected to take V with me. Hysterical, right? I think so.

All of these spots plus the fun that I am experiencing during early pregnancy have combined to make me feel just kind of gross. Despite being in my second trimester (albeit just barely), this ‘surge’ of energy so far is manifesting itself  as more of a ‘drain’. Liars!

Craving are up and running full speed though. Nausea and what I honestly describe as a ‘general malaise’ are in the running with my energy ‘surge’ for number one. And gosh do I ever like saying ‘general malaise’.

Oh and I feel like I’m 5 months pregnant. Thanks muscles for relaxing and stretching out at the slightest whisper of pregnancy.

So to sum it up: I am covered in new scars, carrying a huge spare tire, exhausted, cranky, smell like apples (must stop eating them) and am craving cheese.

Gah!!

xoxo a.m.

Monkeys equal terror. Apparently.

Vincent was not impressed when Mummy brought the monkeys home...

This Monday past was the first day of school for our area in the States. It always strikes me as funny to see the kiddos head back in the middle of summer, while the majority of North America waits a few more weeks. Oh Florida, you make me shake my head sometimes…

So with much pomp and circumstance, Vince headed back to daycare on Monday. His daycare is really more like a pre-school. It’s uniformed, arranged in classrooms and there’s a curriculum, so it really feels more like dropping him off at kindergarten than anything else.

He got a new blanket for his cot and today he told me it was ‘super snuggley’. We picked out some new socks, underwear and shorts. We bought school supplies. He got a new ‘dragon’ and a new puzzle as back-to-school presents. And I took him to Downtown Disney as a treat this past weekend.

Downtown Disney is kind of a Disney-lite shopping experience, where you can buy merchandise and various shops, wander around, eat, watch a movie, maybe go to Cirque du Soliel… I can pass it off as going to Disney, if I hype it just right.

So we cruised around (and might I add it was hot as balls?? It was.), checked out some toys in the shops and pondered where to eat… There are 2 big restaurants aimed at kids. The Rainforest Cafe and the T-Rex Cafe. I don’t think I need to elaborate on them much, names should be explanatory enough, no?

Anyways, the Rainforest Cafe had no lineup so that really helped make my decision. And so in we went and were directed to a table maybe about 15 feet away from some animatronic gorillas. Vince paid no attention to them at all, mainly because A) they weren’t moving and B) he was playing Angry Birds on my phone. Our drink order went in and a few minutes later the gorillas started moving (which apparently they do in 10 minute cycles).

It was kind of cute, I thought anyways. Vince looked at them, did a double take and SCREAMED.

And while screaming “I no like dis, I no like this!!” at the top of his lungs, clawed his way OVER the table to my arms and buried his face in my neck screaming and shaking.

Oh wow. Wasn’t expecting this at all. Apparently neither were all of the families dining around us. There was a lot of pursed lip headshakes and whispers. I mentally gave them the finger since my arms and hands were busy soothing V-man.

So we left. I carried him out of the restaurant, we walked about 100 feet away and he was fine. We bought a pretzel and a lemonade. Vince told me “I no like does monkeys, dey were a wittle scawee”. Oh bless him…

Monday morning and the first day of school rolled around and we got ready to pick out our underwear for the day. I opened the drawer and reached in when suddenly: “MUMMY!! I no like dees. I NO LIKE DEES!” Vince loudly proclaimed as his little finger clutched a pair of monkey underwear. “Here Mummy, der for you”.

“Oh, shall I take these away?”, I said solemnly.

“Yes”, he replied equally solemnly.

Oh lord, did I scar my child for life? And then I followed that up by literally scarring myself with another trip to the dermatologist on Monday afternoon…. which is another story altogether.

xoxo a.m.

I’m a hormonal freak. Again. Still.

Cat in cage, not in bag. As previously explained.

So now that the cat is completely out of the bag, expect a surplus of pregnancy related posts… Mostly about how tired I am (which is a lot) and how I feel like I want to puke every morning (yay first trimester!) and how I am frighteningly hormonal.

And frankly, these hormones are a little scary. There might have been some out of control rage. I might have maybe stormed out of the house, slamming the door in my wake. Maybe.

And while trying to mentally remember my first pregnancy, I found that there are little to no memories remaining. Shock! Apparently, and for my own good, my mind has blocked out every unpleasant aspect of it. Was I this tired?? I don’t think so, but who knows? I could have been!

I do remember eating a lot of peanut butter and bacon sandwiches, uncontrollable urges for oranges and having a sore back. And then, magically I had a baby.

And most of the actual ‘giving birth’ parts are pretty vague too. Kind of like how your Mum might have glossed over that particular part when telling you as a child.

“And then you push and OUT pops the baby!”

Or kind of like I’ve had my memory wiped. I have to concentrate really hard to remember the specifics, but my mind kind of slips away from it. Deliberately distracted by anything else other than what it was aiming from.

Nature is helping me not get too freaked out about what we’ve gotten ourselves into…

And while Vince shrieks things like “I said get out of my room!!” and “Go away Mummy!”, I ponder the fun that baby #2 will bring. Vince thinks that the baby will be ready for playtime, as evident in this tasty piece of V-wisdom… “The baby’s gonna come and smash me on the head!!!” (and he sounded really excited about it).

In the mean time, I cannot wait until this awful exhaustion stops. It will stop right? Because it’s crippling me. And while we are at it, wouldn’t mind that nausea taking a hike too…

xoxo a.m.

 

Smartass

"Mother, I would rather be playing Angry Birds".

So Vince has turned into a smartassed hellion…

You know, not suddenly, it’s been a gradual process since he hit 3 in June. But it’s here. It’s like the precursor to 13, and by that I mean ‘three’. It’s the toddler equivalent of the early teen stages.

Right now, everything has a smart answer. And of course I realize that he has no idea what he is really saying, but lord have mercy it’s making me crazy…

Case in point:

“No, I can’t take a bath, I’m too good”. “No, you can’t do that, you’re too little”. (said to me, if you were wondering). “No, I can’t eat that, I’m too dirty”.

“Maybe later, when I’m clean”. “Maybe later, when you’re taller”. “Maybe later, when I’m older”.

And finally…. “You can’t say no to me! You can only say no to strangers!!!”

That is currently my favorite. Today brought us this lovely conversation, which is in the running to become number one…

*while practicing our kicks for the first season of soccer*

Mummy: “Vince, did you know that your Tita is a really good soccer player?”

Vince: “No, Tita plays music and I don’t want to listen to it…”

I had to hold in the smirk for this one, it was just so blatantly grumpy and pouty. I think we were trying to leave the park when this witticism was uttered.

There has been increased demands and increased dislikes on everything and regarding everything. And if he is refused, he starts crying for the parent that is not there.

Vince: “Mummy, can I play Angry Birds on your phone?”

Mummy: “No, not right now”.

Vince *sobbing*: “I want my Daddy…. MY DADDY!!!!!”

Mummy: *eye roll*

I think I could go on and on, but do you really want to hear it? Because, most likely, it’s going on in your house too and you are as sick of it as I am. I am sure it will just morph into something more ridiculous in a month or so and I’ll complain about it too….

You know, the usual.

xoxo a.m.

 

How I was not attacked by a zombie (or my trip to the dermatologist part deux)

After an eventful weekend of school supply shopping and lying on the couch, Monday arrived with a bit of a whimper on my part.

I unwisely stayed up to watch True Blood last night and upon hitting the hay, had one of those really awful nights of sleep. The kind where you are, indeed, asleep but at the same time you are awake. It’s that really uneasy sleep where you are right on edge, where you wake up feeling kind of dirty as if you need to immediately take a shower to clean the sleep off of you.

Now whether this was the product of a botched nap earlier in the day, that greasy pizza I had for dinner (why? why!!!) or the impending trip to the dermatologist on Monday afternoon, I will never know.

Regardless, I slept like shit and when I woke up it was Monday.

Ugh.

AND I had to go to the dermatologist. Yuck.

Todays big trip was for stitch removal of the first site and then removal of the second site, which just so happens to be a few inches below my collar bone.

The dermatologist I go to in Orlando is lovely and also runs a spa in conjunction with her dermatology practice. As a result, I was comfortably reclined on a chair, pillow tucked under my head while classical music softly piped in the background.

I was almost relaxed. And then they stuck some needles in me. And then they cut part of me out. Irregardless of the fact that I felt nothing, I sure smelled it. Because the area had to be cauterised post-removal and pre-stitches.

And a flashback ensued….

Tell me, oh children of the seventies, do you remember those Elementary school assemblies where we all sat so politely while we were lectured about not touching live wires? And then to really cement the lesson, an adult would then proceed to electrocute a hot dog? The smell that wafted through the gym when you were 6 is what I smelled like this afternoon…

I almost felt like the live wire act was going to be followed a lecture on not touching unexploded bombs. Remember? The 80’s were some freaky shit.

Anyways, to my great disappointment the bandage I received was not as large as the one from the weeks previous. Unfortunately I am unable to pretend that I was bitten by a shark or attacked by zombies.

How disappointing…

Humor me??

xoxo a.m.

Shark bites (or Adventures in Dermatology)

As the Dermatologist headed towards her, Jaime felt a sudden apprehension...

Don’t worry, I haven’t gone anywhere. You were worried, right? I thought so…

Life has thrown me a couple of really busy weeks and I feel like I’ve put on the veil and disappeared from posting about every little teeny thing that is going on in my life…

Biggest thing has been my exciting trip to the dermatologists a few weeks ago. What I thought was just going to be a quick trip for a refill on meds turned into a full-blown skin check. And that ended in the doctor saying to me “Well, I think I’m going to biopsy this one. And…. this one over here. And this one. And then just this last one. Ok?”

No harm in being proactive regarding your skin especially when you live in Florida and it’s hot as Hades 9 of the 12 months of the year.

A few days later I got a call at work from the dermatologist’s assistant, who said the following “Do you have a moment to go over your results?”

This is medical speak for ‘it’s bad’.

Gah.

And not that it was really that bad. But it wasn’t like they were calling me to tell me “We just wanted to let you know that your skin is PERFECT! The most perfect we have ever seen! And below the surface? You are made completely of angel dust and gold sparkles!”

In reality, it was 3 abnormal areas, with the potential to possibly develop into something worse given time. And removal was what was suggested. And I agreed.

First spot to go was on my hip. Didn’t feel a thing. I got an enormous bandage that sort of looked like perhaps a rabid animal had bitten me. Maybe even a shark. I was an enormous baby by the end of the first day. But, the following day it was fine. I removed the giant bandage and replaced it with a little teeny one. I skipped the gym for a few days, haven’t been swimming in 2 weeks and have been going through hydrogen peroxide like it’s going out of style.

Monday, site 2 is removed. Right below my collar-bone. Shark bite take 2! I wonder how enormous the bandage will be this time?? Hopefully people will take pity on my Tuesday at work and bring me cookies (Jen, I’ll be in Winter Park that day, ok??).

I keep thinking ‘proactive, proactive, proactive’. And also ‘stop being a baby, it’s not a shark bite and stop pretending it is’.

Third site will be on the back of my right arm and will be removed in two more weeks, when I go in to have the stitches removed from the site on my chest.

This is just one of the ridiculous things that are going on in my life right now… Thrilling, is it not?

So I am still here. Giant shark bite and all…

 

xoxo a.m.